COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
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A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I only look at Wordle for the articles
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?