COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
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[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
saving face 👀
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]