Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
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Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!