Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
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Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.