cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
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y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*