Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
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I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Just this preview of the story is enough
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.