Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
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[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Haha! 😂
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
This was a bad idea all around
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
got so much cardio in today
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude