Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
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*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
no refunds
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.