Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
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Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.