Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
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my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Ironic
This did not end as expected.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.