Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
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Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.