cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
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Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.