Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
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The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase