COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
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tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Breaking news:
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why