COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
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Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
me hitting on a model
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
If poetry is dead, then explain this: