Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
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If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I am crying
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.