Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
every single time
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states