Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
You Might Also Like
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams