Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
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*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.