COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
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Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
*exercises sarcastically*
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
he looks great for his age
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem