COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
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[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”