Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
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How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Something Saturday.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.