Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
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Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
We need to put an American base on the sun
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want