Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
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Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting