Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
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Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*