Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
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Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.