Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
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Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Me, at the arby鈥檚 drive-thru: i didn鈥檛 hear you, can you repeat that?
arby鈥檚 cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
meanwhile over on facebook
Son: How will I know when I鈥檝e met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 馃憣
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
How I’d get arrested…
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot