COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
You Might Also Like
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?