Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
You Might Also Like
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare