@noog

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

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@TheRealPhalguy

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

@SarahThyre

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

@Kyle_Lippert

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

@Playing_Dad

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

@ripstiklesbian

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

@nicfit75

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

@BlindChow

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

@RandiLawson

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!