Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
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Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Choose your fighter
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end