[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
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They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?