Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
You Might Also Like
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.