@KattsDogma Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
@Cornjerker78 My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
@TheAndrewNadeau Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
@TheTweetOfGod Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
@ColoradoUgly If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
@POTerritory Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
@markedly Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
@Smooheed Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
@ACuppaSte When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
@MrEd_EVH A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
@TopherKearby James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”