Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

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My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.


Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.


If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.


Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.


Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]


When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.


A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach


James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”


“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”