Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
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is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
🤣✨#caturday
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?