Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
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[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Well, that should do it
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
So that’s what we looked like?
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.