Cop lights are so pretty at night
You Might Also Like
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.