cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
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“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.