COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
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I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.