Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

You Might Also Like


tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup



Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting


Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.


[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing


“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?


On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot


BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.


Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?




So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!


me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever