Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Cinematography is my passion
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t