@TheHyyyype tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
@Try2StopME Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
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@TheHyyyype 
@Be___Dope [text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
@shanethevein Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
@chetporter [dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
@midnightwhale “honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
@RealCarrotFacts On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
@causticbob BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
@daemonic3 Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
@IamEnidColeslaw SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
@Browtweaten me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever