Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

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Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?


I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.


Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.


Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.


I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time


My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.


You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*


Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”


One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.


I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.