cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
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“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?