Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
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When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
won’t smith
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?