Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
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OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.