cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
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me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.