Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
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So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.