“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
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Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
bout dat hot dog summer
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.