@NotKarma

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

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@Lisabug74

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

@calluptome

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

@WheelTod

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

@BCMontgo

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

@kimtopher22

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

@HughGoesThere

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.