Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
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[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.