COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
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[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
we’re dead?
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri