cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
You Might Also Like
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
as is their right
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.