COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
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Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
True freaking story!
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.