Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
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I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Never ghost your hitman.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
That time Alicia messaged me