Dude: You got a light?
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
You Might Also Like
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets