*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately